We haven’t worked together for
almost a decade, but Christina was my first – and best – work wife. She picked
me up when I fell backwards off the stage at the office Christmas party, and
let me crash on her sofa the following year when I lost all my possessions and
couldn’t get into my flat. We’ve travelled from Caracas to Kiev together and
still go on holiday when we can, children and partners allowing. When she got
married I was her bridesmaid.
But the defining moment when I
realised she was my work wife happened eight years ago when I was made
redundant from the company we worked at together. It was my first job, and I’d
been there almost four years. I kind of knew it was time to leave, and it
wasn’t the biggest shock in the world but, still, no one really expects that
conversation on a Monday afternoon. I wouldn’t have bought all my lunches for
the week from the supermarket next door an hour earlier if I had.
After being told I was probably
losing my job, I went straight to the pub and called Christina, who came
straight away with my handbag, which I’d left behind. She stayed all evening,
and took me for dinner in an attempt to sober me up, offering me a space in her
bed if I didn’t want to go home on my own. She said she’d clear my desk for me,
too, so I wouldn’t have to go back to the office if I didn’t want to.
And that’s why a work wife is
brilliant: she’s somewhere between your colleague, who totally gets why you
hate Claire, the office manager, with a passion, and your best friend, who gets
you, but rolled into one person.
Having a ‘work wife’ is good for
your career. According to a 2016 study by the guys at CV-library, 47.2 per cent
of UK professionals either have or wish they had a ‘work spouse’. Respondents
cited the benefits as ‘offering support and mentorship, providing advice and
guidance and offering friendship and companionship’.
Another study shows that 50 per cent
of those with a best friend at work feel they have a strong connection with the
company, and 70 per cent of employees say having friends at work is the most
crucial part of a happy working life.
I keep referring to a ‘work wife’ –
because who doesn’t love alliteration? But I am, of course, referring to a work
spouse. They are your work ‘person’, someone who has your back in any
situation, will give you proper good advice, and will never stab you in the
back just to get in there with Geoff from Procurement. Whether it’s actually
your work husband who gives you really good dating advice and is also the
person who always you get to double check your presentations before they go out
to a client, or your work BFF who frequently comes out with you and your mates
on a Friday night, but also understands exactly why you get so angry when
someone misunderstands your filing system and puts all of last month’s invoices
in the last folder. They do both.
She (or he) is the person you make a
pact with before the Christmas party to whisk you away when you start to get
‘boozy melted face’, which means you’re about to do something bad, because you
know she’ll (or he'll) be keeping an eye out and will move heaven and earth to
ensure you don’t get caught feeling up that new guy from Finance in the
disabled toilets. She’s (or he's) the person you can complain to about your
boss without fear of reprisals. She’s (or he's) also the person who will give
you proper objective career advice when you’re not sure what your next move
should be, if you messed up that presentation, or whether you should be going
for that promotion. It also means you’ve always got someone to go to lunch
with.
A good work spouse is not the same
as a mentor, or a boss who really cares about your personal development, or
even that fun colleague with great gossip about the team on the third floor.
It’s someone who understands you and the job you do better than anyone else in
the world. They know why you care because they care too. They aren’t going to
roll their eyes when you mention for the fourteenth time how annoying you find
Claire because they 100 per cent feel your pain. And they can also tell you,
better than anyone else in the world, when it’s time for you to go. If your
work wife or husband tells you you’re wasted where you are, or that it’s time
to move on, that’s excellent advice, worth taking into serious consideration.
Because no one cuts their work spouse loose – and potentially loses the only person
in the office up for a hung-over Nando’s at lunchtime – unless they really mean
it.
‘I think, when you’re in a very male
environment, a lot of it is about having that constant ally,’ explains Sara,
who works in the science department of a university. ‘My best friend and I
worked together for four years, and having that person who totally had my back
was amazing. It meant I was able to relax into the job more than I probably do
now we’re not working together.’
But, as with all human interactions,
it’s complicated, as Sara explains: ‘I tend to gravitate towards other women
when we work together, but some women are really anti that and push you away a
bit – I think they see it as a sign of weakness. But everyone’s different, I
guess.’
For Cara, forty, who has worked in
marketing in London and Canada (so has had to find her feet in new office
environments and a new country), work wives have punctuated some of the most
important moments of her career.
‘Over the years I’ve had several
work wives (and even a work husband!) and I can honestly say these women have
helped me get through some of the most challenging moments of my career. It’s
just so nice to have someone “human” to connect with at work and look forward
to seeing every day. The ability to sneak away for a quick chat and ask for
helpful advice from someone you trust is a huge perk of having a work wife. You
never have to worry about eating lunch alone, and she is always up for a cheeky
coffee run to Starbucks or a little nip outside to get air.’
And, as Cara learnt, a good work
wife should enhance the rest of your life: ‘I recently celebrated a milestone
birthday and had an afternoon-tea party with a number of friends who didn’t
know each other. As the ladies chatted and established how they knew me, it quickly
became apparent that 90 per cent of the guests were women I had worked with
over the years. That bit was amazing – my work wives were meeting each other
and sharing funny stories about our escapades together. It really made me
realise how blessed I’ve been to have worked with such awesome females and I’m
so glad that I’ve maintained the relationships even after moving on to
different roles.’
I totally agree. When I was
organising my hen do, I wanted it to be fairly small, so I invited only the
women I’m closest to. Two-thirds of the guest list was comprised of women I had
worked with in some capacity over the last decade.
In a 2016 study by the University of
Pennsylvania and Arizona State University of the relationships between female
baboons (stick with me here), they discovered that, although the males leave
the group once they’ve grown up and go to join another group (where they have
to fight their way to the top hierarchy), females stay with the same group from
birth. They inherit their position within it (Alpha, Beta, Gamma and so on)
from their mothers. Scientists also discovered that these hierarchies remained
stable with almost no change for fifteen, twenty or thirty years.
It was assumed that evolution
dictates that those baboons with the most Alpha-like traits are most likely to
survive and pass them onto their daughters. In fact, it turns out that the
baboons that did best were those that had the strongest relationships with
other females in the group – the same females, year after year. This was so for
groups thousands of miles apart, and feels strangely reminiscent of numerous
studies that have found our relationships with other people are the key to our
happiness.
In the case of the baboons,
scientists found that those who were the most closely bonded with other females
in their group had the lowest levels of stress hormones. This makes sense: they
supported each other in disputes, their friendship generated fewer disputes
over food, and they’d groom each other a lot, which everyone knows is the best
stress-buster there is. They’re each other’s work wives, and they’re happier,
less stressed, and thrive as a result.
With good reason, I’ve banged on at
length about the virtues of working with women and having fantastic female
working relationships. It’s my friendships at work that have made terrible jobs
bearable, and great jobs out-of-this-world amazing. I’ve worked with women far
more than I have with men, so it’s those relationships that stand out for me. I
stay in touch with most of my old female work friends far more than I do with
male former colleagues. This means plenty of opportunity to rehash funny or
scandalous work stories. Our friendships and our time at work together develop
a mythical status with each retelling to a new boyfriend or friend-of-a-friend
who joins the group. Even the most dull, banal or depressing jobs take on a
rosy glow when revisited with my work wives.
Because no (wo)man is an island, and
yes, you probably could do your job on your own, but where is the fun in that?
We need support, we need mentoring, but we sometimes the exact thing we need to
get us through the rest of the day is a Nando’s lunch. Enter: your work
spouse.
Article by Rebecca Holman culled from Linkedin.
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